late night blog.

thought i would never say this but i do hate you! I hate you because i'm trying here to get passed this and your not showing me shit. you act so nice to me one day and cutesy the next then next you completely don't say shit to me and ignore me throughout the day/s.  I am not going to be your "playgirl" for the day okay. I know what i said was fucked up but it is the truth, your drama, etc. but go ahead and call me a bitch because i am a girl and girls can be bitches:) so your right you don't need me i def don't need you. I am way outta your league and you need someone like "her" im not blind, i wasn't born the other day. You say i'll call you and text you but you don't..your excuse"i was sleeping" sure you probably were but my instinct tells me that you were on the phone with someone else.  Reason I call or text you is to see whatchu are up to but then somehow i feel i need to let you know how i feel because you don't get it. But you already know and you don't care, maybe you do but you have NOTHING to say besides..."im sorry, okay then, i understand" like really. fuck i hate you for not trying as hard, showing me you do care, i hate you for telling me that you still care, love yous, and "your my first real love" cos all that now means nothing to me. It did, but after what i'm seeing I don't need you to tell me that shit and then get your flirt on. You did say that you weren't going to get me jealous in front of my damn face but damn its workin you are rubbin it in my face. Just want you to know that your right you come to me. I won't come to you. It's your senior year so yeah you should live it up:) I got 3 years so don't wanna hold you back from anything. Go ahead and do what you do best babes. Sorry I was such a fucked up girlfriend, bestfriend, friend, and now we are nothing.

I seriously hope time time will tell us when we can even become friends again. Right now you and I clearly do not need to talk. Like I said once you look me in the eyes and tell me you do not love me and you want me out I am gone and will not come back..maybe for not awhhiiillllee! it just feels like i'm putting too much time and effort into something, and not getting the same in return. sometimes i feel like im wasting my time, and i'm just refusing to believe its true. but i know im not wasting my time, and its one of those things that you're just able to tell. i feel as if i have made a mistake. i feel like im going to regret it, but in actuality it's supposed to benefit the both of us. i didnt wanna keep holdin on and keep fightin the same struggle that we've been trying to fight for.i was afraid that if we kept trying to make things work and we continued failing, i was going to resent this certain somebody just as much as i did the last. thats not what i want. i care way too much about you and i to have to let go because of hatred. even though i am deeply hurt, i am glad at the same time--because i was able to recognize this early enough before things got even worse. i just dont know what went wrong. im the same person and you claim to be the same person as well. we both say that neither of us has changed, but if thats the case, then why arent things the same as before? what happened to us?  now i know with time things grow old, but if what we had was true...then i dont think that certain connection we once shared could ever grow old. if what we had was true, then how can this relationship that once existed just come to an end in a heartbeat? I know this is all over the place but i just needed to vent and share my thoughts.

I gotta admit, the romantic ones are the ones that hurt me the most but can't help to just realize that I went through these things in order for me to keep these high expecations. So I won't settle for less, see what worked and didn't. My wounds patch up and everything becomes all good. There are ones that I thought I would never see or talk to again but eventually we cross paths and talk about the good times. There are always second chances, it's up for grabs, but you make that decision.  You may find true love after me and i was prolly your baby step in order to find the truth. That's how we all get through, right? Trial and error. In the end, the good and the bad will teach/taught me vaulable lessons. Best wishes to you!

-misa