your my sunset.

Yesterday was just the last straw. I really thought sadies was going to be fun for me...but it turned out to be the oppostie. I mean everything that day went wrong....but I ended up with my girls that night...mostly toria though <3 

I effin love her! 

Everything i was excited for i wasn't...it was a total disaster. I didn't end up taking cue pictures  because pari's sister crystal was still fixing me up:( but whatever  i looked cute haha just picked, tawnya, zach, and cecy up then said hi to cristine at the boat!  Off to sadies and i was trying to dance but i just couldnt! everything didnt feel right! til the later part i was like whatever fuck this ima dance with my girls. then he just had to be there and i fell for it...just like homecoming all over again.

I swear bad things happen everytime..my birthday, homecoming, every anniversary we fight before then sadies.....and maybe it is just a sign. Maybe this is the last straw...

I know what i did was fucked up but that doesnt give you the right for you to do something physically to me...no matter how little you think it was. I am hurt. scared, confused and just wishing what went down yesterday didnt go down. But i guess it did because now i am starting to wonder what it would be like in the "future"...I guess your right..every thing was a joke. I mean my feelings for you were real.  i love you so much, care for you, and we both have our fights here and there but shit there was TOO MANY OF THEM that now we are both just starting to realize its not working..so i guess the odds did win. I feel as if my heart has a hole inside.. i didn't know how much we both were hurting. We both can be so happy with eachother but be so violent too...but yesterday scared me so much. My mom went through it for 6 years and i just do not want to start off at this age...and i really do not want to follow in my mom's footsteps..i had long a long talk with my mom, then dad then my girls +marie! They helped me out a lot. I need to figure this one out on my own.because deep down inside i know he is not that guy, or am i just being indenial...i really do not want to let go of him or this relationship. I guess sometimes I do...maybe being friends with him won't be such a bad thing? I don't know...but the fact that yesterday we hurt each other and the fact that i thought was so little it turned to be a bigger thing.the fact i apologized for what i did was wrong but he didn't...just proves everything. I am a sucker though for those "baby i love you" baby i miss you type sayings...because now i know now not to fall for that..but then I do. -______- I know in my heart is saying do the right thing, but my mind is saying just one more shot...? But fuck man it is not as easy. I really thought it would be...but it is not.  Why do guys have to be so hurtful, confusing, NOT ALL ARE THOUGH. I just really am scared to fall out of love and to be in love. I think i'm going to have my guard up and just not get too attached to guys and fall for guys so easily. I just miss what we had and what we could've had. I just don't want to go through this anymore..do you? Because i know your tired of fighting and getting hurt. So might as well do something about it right. Well whats done is done..I cant fix it. But what about you?  I don't want to be pushed down, and now i need a way to swim back up so I can breathe again. I swear its like that song gravity.."something always brings me back to you."  The one thing that I know still is that your keeping me down.  i want you to call me crazy. Because i hate how you pop into my mind all the damn time, i hate how you have no idea how much i love/like you! But thank you for all the memories and times we spent with eachother cos you've certainly had my mind officially occupied.  

I loved you then, I'll love you now and forever...

but my sun has taken its last set.